01/16/2018
The House on Fourth Street
The House on Fourth Street was our first home.
I had just accepted a different job in a different city in a different state, and we had only one weekend to find a house.
We looked at the House on Fourth Street on a Saturday morning, but dismissed it because it was old and peculiar.
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01/24/2018
Mr. Barnes, Esquire
In the history of the world, there have only been a few
beloved rats Templeton in
Charlotte's Web was one.
So was Remy, the hero of the animated movie
Ratatouille.
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01/31/2018
The Fishing Trip
This is a fish story.
Normally a fish story means that you exaggerate everything by a factor of ten.
A two-pound fish becomes a twenty pounder. If you catch nothing, you tell people that you caught an enormous fish, but it was stolen by a grizzly bear.
You’re lucky you weren’t killed.
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02/08/2018
Revenge of the Tree Weasels
As anyone who has taken basic biology knows, the true scientific name for what we commonly call a “squirrel” is “arborius vicious” or “tree weasel.”
For years, I’ve been locked in a bitter struggle with tree weasels.
We are in mortal combat over control of my bird feeder. The tree weasels think they have a right to the black oil sunflower seed that I put out for the local birds.
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02/13/2018
The Rock Garden
Dirt.
What’s more common than dirt?
Air and poor taste maybe, but that’s about it.
As with everything, there’s good dirt and bad dirt.
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02/24/2018
Cat People
The world is made up of opposing factions. There are Communists and Capitalists, Democrats and Republicans, and dog people and cat people.
I used to be a dog person.
I thought the purpose of cats was for dog aerobics.
In other words, a dog would chase a cat till his pulse was at 80% Maximum Heart Rate for ten minutes, and then he’d have a cool down period when he would just look up in the tree and growl.
As a result, a dog would have a longer, healthier life.
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03/01/2018
Grilling
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser and I are preparing to host a yard party.
The guests will arrive in an hour.
I step out the backdoor with a strut that would make Yul Brynner jealous.
For, lo, I am Grillmaster Borengasser, great grill guru and monarch of the backyard cookout.
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03/07/2018
The Road to Perfection
What are the prerequisites for becoming a perfect husband?
Love?
Well, yeah, love’s all right.
How about understanding and consideration/
There’s nothing wrong with them either.
But, actually, I’d have to say that leading the list would be having a good appetite.
Especially in the beginning.
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03/16/2018
Halloween
All my life, I’ve had a terrible handicap to overcome.
It’s nothing that would qualify me as a sideshow attraction, like being the feathered puffin boy, or aphid-man.
Nevertheless, my affliction is in many ways worse – I was born on Halloween.
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03/22/2018
On Meeting the Lovely Mrs. Borengasser-To-Be
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser wasn’t always the lovely Mrs. Borengasser.
I’m sure she was lovely, of course.
She just wasn’t Mrs. Borengasser.
We met in Illinois …
I’m taking a night class in Chaucer. You know who Chaucer is – that fat, little, bald guy from the Middle Ages who wrote the Canterbury Tales, and thus provided jobs for thousands of English professors.
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03/27/2018
Diets
“Tell me again why I’m on a diet,” I say to the lovely Mrs. Borengasser, as I gulp down my turnip broth.
“I thought that’s what you wanted,” she responds.
“No, no,” I shake my head with what little strength I have left.
“I didn’t want to go on a diet.
I wanted to lose weight.”
“But that’s the way you lose weight,” she counters.
“You go on a diet.
You said you wanted to end up somewhere between svelte and gossamer.”
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04/06/2018
The Doctor’s Appointment
It’s time for a routine physical exam.
This means I must experience the Three Circles of Timelessness – a challenging series of obstacles I must overcome before I actually get to talk to a doctor.
Picture American Ninja Warrior in a health clinic.
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04/13/2018
Fat Cat
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser becomes hypnotized whenever she sees either a sign that says, “Sale,” or one that says, “Free Kittens.”
Her eyes glaze over, and she goes into a trance.
Under some mysterious alien power, she parks the car and enters the building.
An hour later, she snaps to and finds herself back home with either a new pair of shoes or a cat.
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04/19/2018
Sasha
Sometimes, in the dead of winter, I think back on a day in February some years ago …
It is Valentine’s Day, and I am depressed.
The reason I’m depressed is because this is the day we are getting a new dog. We already have two dogs. The difference between two dogs and three dogs is the difference between two fleas and an infestation.
But I must admit that this will be no ordinary puppy.
We are looking at a dog that is part wolf.
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04/26/2018
The Piano Man
The time is the distant past.
This would be the dissolute period prior to the lovely Mrs. Borengasser.
I have decided that I need a hobby.
It’s not that I’ve had no hobbies.
I’ve actually tried several.
Idleness was a fine hobby for a while … till I realized there was really nothing to do.
I guess I just expected a little more from something referred to as “the Devil’s workshop.”
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05/04/2018
Life Without Drapes
Some things we take for granted.
Like freedom.
Or good health.
Or drapes.
It’s only when one of these is taken away that we realize how vitally important it actually is.
One entire wall of our den is glass, covered by curtains.
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05/11/2018
The Convention
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser and I are attending a convention.
But this is not your everyday, garden-variety convention.
No, indeed.
This is the Annual Romance Writers Convention.
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05/21/2018
Squirrels
I glance out the window.
There, sitting in my birdfeeder, are two squirrels.
They’re scooping out pawful after pawful of birdseed, and tossing the seeds to two other squirrels on the ground below.
Many of these seeds are the ultra-expensive black oil sunflower seeds, which have a street value of hundreds of dollars.
The only way some of the poorer, down-on-their-luck birds (itinerant grackles, starlings, etc.) ever get a chance to savor this delicacy is at my feeder – but not if these squirrels have anything to say about it.
They’ll leave my feeder as barren as an abandoned strip mine.
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05/29/2018
Sailing
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser and I have been invited by good friends to go sailing on a nearby lake.
I’ve never been sailing, unless you count floating on something that resembles an ironing board with a sail the size of a bath towel. Mostly, it was an excuse to fall in the water.
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06/03/2018
All You Can Eat
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser and I have just returned from eating out.
This would be nothing out of the ordinary, except for one small factor – we were at an all-you-can-eat restaurant.
There should be a special place in hell for the first person who came up with the idea of an all-you-can-eat restaurant (perhaps something on the order of spending eternity listening to bagpipes).
AYCE eateries are insidious places – enticing but disastrous – one-price, no-limit establishments.
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06/16/2018
A Little Romance
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser is in the study, sitting at her computer.
I know exactly what she’s doing.
She’s writing another novel.
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser is a Harlequin Romance writer.
She doesn’t write as the lovely Mrs. Borengasser, however, since the name “Borengasser” sounds about as romantic as nose tweezers.
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06/25/2018
If a Tree Falls in the Backyard …
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser and I own trees.
We keep them in the yard, a few in the front, most in the back.
I used to think of a tree as the perfect pet.
It doesn’t require a lot of attention, just a little rain and sunshine.
It can amuse itself.
You never have to pet a tree, and it doesn’t continually rub up against your ankles.
If you go on vacation, you don’t have to drop your tree off at the vet.
A tree doesn’t throw up on the carpet.
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07/02/2018
Toxic Waste
The time is many years ago, pre-lovely Mrs. Borengasser.
(She is not pre-lovely, of course, just pre-Mrs. Borengasser.)
I’m single, living in a rental house in a large city.
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser-To-Be resides several hours away.
I drive to visit her every weekend.
For some reason I can no longer recall, a person gives me a couple of guinea pigs for pets.
They need a pen or enclosure, so, in a flash of insight, I purchase a large used baby bed, the kind with bars around it, to use as a guinea pig corral.
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07/15/2018
Magica de Spell
A“How was your day?” asks the lovely Mrs. Borengasser.
“Terrible,” I admit. “I had a flat tire, chipped a tooth, and ran out of decaf. The world economy is a mess, the Middle East is a powder keg, and, at the drive-through window, they gave me a fish sandwich instead of a cheeseburger.”
She tries to comfort me: “There … there.”
“And do you know why all this is happening?” I ask.
“Why?”
“Magica de Spell,” I reply darkly.
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07/24/2018
Optimism
“Hello.
Welcome to the Borengasser Institute of Mindless Optimism.
You are all here today because you have suffered a misfortune or endured a catastrophe.
Or perhaps you are simply feeling depressed.
My job is to help you find some reason for optimism … whether you want it or not.
“Let’s get started, shall we?
Who’ll go first?
Come on, somebody speak up.
How about you?
Yes, you in the body cast.
Tell us what happened.”
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08/23/2018
Adventures with Food
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser and I sign up for a Culinary Adventure in Oaxaca, Mexico.
The trip turns out to be full of surprises – some good, some not so good.
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08/31/2018
Girl Scouts
The lovely Mrs. Borengasser and I are in Omaha.
We’re here because she’s attending her Girl Scout troop reunion.
Don’t ask.
I don’t understand it myself.
I remember the first time I found out she’d been a Girl Scout.
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10/14/2018
Party Animal
The time is the not-too-distant future.
I’m a freshman member of Congress, newly arrived in Washington.
I’m excited about the upcoming session.
I promised my constituents that I’d make a difference.
And, I will. I will!
Tonight, my party’s having a get-together to welcome the new legislators.
A party party, you could say.
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10/28/2018
School Food
From time to time, there are national conferences to discuss making school lunches tastier and more nutritious.
Each time, I think – more nutritious food for our youngsters?
Sure.
Better tasting?
Absolutely not!
It’s not right. I didn’t have tasty school food. My kids shouldn’t either.
Understand – I’m no finicky eater. I’d wolf down a bowl of wallpaper paste as long as I could put a little mayonnaise and garlic salt on it.
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012/01/2018
G.I. Joe
The incredible journey of G.I. Joe began in 1964.
Since then, more than 400 million G.I. Joes have been shipped out to serve our country.
And the world is a safer place for it.
Shakespeare once said, “You shall know a society by its dolls.” This is still true today.
After all, we could just as easily have developed dolls named Pacifist Pete … or Conscientious Objector Otto … or 4-F Freddy.
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01/12/19
Hunters and Gatherers
It’s the dawn of civilization, several hundred thousand years ago.
Two bark-chewing, club-smacking Neanderthals swagger out of a cave, ready for the daily hunt.
They spot Arg.
“Hey, Arg,” one jeers. “Going gathering today?”
“Yeah,” sneers the other. “Be careful stalking those savage roots and berries. Har, har, har.”
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11/24/18
T’was the Month before Christmas
T’was the month before Christmas,
And all of our neighbors
Were trying to shame us
With their decorative labors.
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