A Little Romance


The lovely Mrs. Borengasser is in the study, sitting at her computer.  I know exactly what she’s doing.  She’s writing another novel.

The lovely Mrs. Borengasser is a Harlequin Romance writer.  She doesn’t write as the lovely Mrs. Borengasser, however, since the name “Borengasser” sounds about as romantic as nose tweezers.

She writes as the lovely Bethany Campbell.

“How’s it going?” I ask, entering the study.

“Slowly,” she admits.  “I’m having trouble getting through a love scene.”

“Would it help if I swagger a little?” I ask.

“I don’t think so.”

“How about if I scowl brutishly?  Or I could flex a biceps, a triceps, a quadriceps, or even an octoceps?”

“The last time you flexed any of your ceps, you ended up in the emergency room, looking like “Pretzel Man” from a carnival sideshow.”

“That was just a freakish accident,” I remind her.

“Well, you’re half right.”

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Marriage to a romance writer can put a lot of pressure on a guy.  Being virile and dashing 24/7 isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Truth be known, it’s actually quite difficult.  So difficult that I’ve had to reduce the amount of time I spend being a romantic hunk.  These days, I like to limit my being doughty and debonair to about an hour, maybe two, a month, sort of a spur of the moment kind of thing.

I realize this probably downgrades my status from stud muffin to stud biscuit, perhaps even to stud crouton, but what can you do?

Even so, over the years, I’ve learned a lot about romance and what it means to be romantic.  Here’s a quick test for you men out there to help you find out how romantic you are:

1.  My idea of a romantic gift for the woman in my life is …

a.   A dozen roses

b.  A box of chocolates

c.   A bass boat

 

2.  When we’re alone, I …

a.   Whisper sweet nothings

b.  Play our favorite music

c.   Doze

 

3.  My idea of a romantic evening is …

a.   A candlelit dinner

b.  A moonlight swim

c.   A coon hunt

 

4.  We’re closest when we are …

a.   Holding hands

b.  Slow dancing

c.   Watching the Dallas Cowboys

 

5.  The best way to let her know how much she means to me is …

a.   Give her a surprise gift from time to time

b.  Tell her I love her

c.   Let her operate the TV remote control for an evening

If you choose “c” even once, you probably qualify as an oaf.  If you choose “c” all five times, it would be best if you never married. 

And you certainly don’t have to worry about ever having children.