The
lovely Mrs. Borengasser is in the study, sitting at her computer. I know
exactly what she’s doing. She’s writing another novel.
The
lovely Mrs. Borengasser is a Harlequin Romance writer. She doesn’t write as
the lovely Mrs. Borengasser, however, since the name “Borengasser” sounds about
as romantic as nose tweezers.
She
writes as the lovely Bethany Campbell.
“How’s
it going?” I ask, entering the study.
“Slowly,”
she admits. “I’m having trouble getting through a love scene.”
“Would
it help if I swagger a little?” I ask.
“I
don’t think so.”
“How
about if I scowl brutishly? Or I could flex a biceps, a triceps, a quadriceps,
or even an octoceps?”
“The
last time you flexed any of your ceps, you ended up in the emergency room,
looking like “Pretzel Man” from a carnival sideshow.”
“That
was just a freakish accident,” I remind her.
“Well,
you’re half right.”
# # # # #
Marriage
to a romance writer can put a lot of pressure on a guy. Being virile and
dashing 24/7 isn’t as easy as it sounds.
Truth
be known, it’s actually quite difficult. So difficult that I’ve had to reduce
the amount of time I spend being a romantic hunk. These days, I like to limit
my being doughty and debonair to about an hour, maybe two, a month, sort of a
spur of the moment kind of thing.
I
realize this probably downgrades my status from stud muffin to stud biscuit,
perhaps even to stud crouton, but what can you do?
Even
so, over the years, I’ve learned a lot about romance and what it means to be
romantic. Here’s a quick test for you men out there to help you find out how
romantic you are:
1.My idea of a
romantic gift for the woman in my life is …
a.A dozen roses
b.A box of
chocolates
c.A bass boat
2.When we’re
alone, I …
a.Whisper sweet
nothings
b.Play our
favorite music
c.Doze
3.My idea of a
romantic evening is …
a.A candlelit
dinner
b.A moonlight
swim
c.A coon hunt
4.We’re closest
when we are …
a.Holding hands
b.Slow dancing
c.Watching the
Dallas Cowboys
5.The best way
to let her know how much she means to me is …
a.Give her a
surprise gift from time to time
b.Tell her I
love her
c.Let her
operate the TV remote control for an evening
If you
choose “c” even once, you probably qualify as an oaf. If you choose “c” all
five times, it would be best if you never married.
And
you certainly don’t have to worry about ever having children.