T’was the Month before Christmas
T’was the month before Christmas,
And all of our neighbors
Were trying to shame us
With their decorative labors.
Each yard was festooned
With marvelous sights;
There’s one with reindeer,
And ten million lights.
Here’s a twenty-foot Santa,
Spinning counter-clockwise.
Over there’s Bethlehem
In actual size.
I suppose to avoid
The neighborhood snub,
We’ll hang out some tinsel
On our best front yard shrub.
When Christmas is on the way, here’s a seasonal quiz to see if you’re ready.
1. What’s the best
way to tell that the Christmas season has begun?
a. Gas stations and
c-stores begin advertising their extensive selection of gifts.
b. You’ve spotted
your first “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
c. It’s December,
but you haven’t bought one present yet.
Answer: All of these are good
indicators, but the absolute best way to tell that Christmas is around the
corner is when one of your kids asks if they can help out around the house.
2. The most popular
doll this Christmas will be …
a. Debbie Diaper Rash.
b. Baby Colic.
c. Little Miss
Spit-Up.
Answer: (c) Little Miss Spit-Up will also
outsell Baby Belch and Tiny Timmy Temper Tantrum.
3. Older dolls are
also in demand. This year’s winner will be …
a. Grunge Barbie.
b. Rappin’ Ken.
c. G.I. Josephine.
Answer: (a) But don’t be surprised if Snapchat
Sandra doesn’t beat them all.
4. The best way to
have a Merry Christmas is …
a. A family feast of
turkey and dressing.
b. A cozy fire and
holiday music.
c. ESPN and a
pitcher of eggnog.
Answer: (c) This was too easy.
5. A fruitcake …
a. Is a delightful
concoction of fruit, nuts, and strangely fluorescent chunks of citrus rind.
b. Has a half-life
of 3000 years.
c. Is a good way to
describe your weird Uncle Chester.
Answer: All are correct. Remember, a nice fruitcake not only makes a great gift, but it’s a terrific way to get even for a real or imagined wrong.
6. The Santa Claus at the mall …
a. Is really and
truly Santa Claus.
b. Is an authorized
representative of the real Santa.
c. Is a creepy guy
with a fake beard and a pocket flask full of 80 proof Old Weasel.
Answer: (a) Those who say otherwise are cynical misanthropes who probably don’t believe in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, or tarot cards.
7. The most joyful people this time of year are …
a. Children.
b. Young couples in
love.
c. Walmart
stockholders.
Answer: (c) The only happier people might
be young Walmart stockholders in love.
8. On the tenth day
of Christmas, my true love gave to me …
a. Ten lords
a-leaping.
b. Ten dads
a-dozing.
c. Ten cats
a-spraying.
Answer: Actually, she gave me a chainsaw.
9. Bah Humbug …
a. Is what Scrooge
said in “A Christmas Carol.”
b. Is a perfectly
reasonable reaction to Christmas merchandizing.
c. Is a nasty
roach-like insect that continually hums something that sounds like “bah.”
Answer: (c) The only good thing about humbugs is that they’ll eat fruitcake.
10. Ho,
ho, ho …
a. Is how Santa
Claus laughs.
b. Is a stutterer’s
attempt to say “horse.”
c. Is what you do in
the garden, garden, garden.
Answer: (a) This is the traditional
version of Santa’s laugh, although it’s rumored that he’s trying out a new one
– Hardy, Har, Har.
Scoring: If you actually took the test,
you probably have way too much time on your hands. But, whatever your score,
Happy
Holidays!